A JOURNEY INTO MY MIND

 

It is official I am a resident of hillsborough county.  School doesn't start till the 25th so if anyone wants to entertain me (lol) let me know.

 A lot has been going on in my life and more changes are looking like they will occur.  I went back to school full time to get an engineering degree from UCF but as it turns out UCF does not really have the kind the engineering I want to do or any research/ internships available that I would be interested in either.  So while researching other schools in Florida it appears that USF has a masters in biomeidcal engineering which after looking at the website looks like I should be able to go straight to my masters and not evern finish the undergraduate degree in engineering since I already have a BS in psychology and the fact that I was premed means that I have taken the classes required for the masters science wise and since after next semester I will have jsut about all the basic enginering classes my belt I should be able to jump right into the masters which would be nice.  Plus they have a whole lab dedicated to rehabilitation engineering which is the field I am most interested in.  So we will see what happens.  It would mean moving back to tampa which has its advantages, closer to water, closer to sports, closer to family, etc.  Plus nate said he would move also so with that out of the way now all i need to do is apply and get in.  I am going to apply for the fall so I wil have time to close up loose ends here in orlando and to finish up those basic engineering classes.  So wsh em luck hopefully all will work out.

So it has been forever since i have updated this thing and since i have lots to update people on I figured I would.  Lets see I did actually get to move in to the condo that I bought that was taking forever to close with Nate and Ryan (a friend of nate first but turned to a friend of ours).  I have decided to go back to school for mechanical engineering.  Which if you knew me in high school is not a far stretch but for many a decision that makes no sense.  So my summer is consisting of calc III and working at best buy.  And yes it has been 7 years since i have taken calc  but so far so good.  We will see as we get further into the class.  I am loving catan on xbox360 and playing my wii.  We still have people over for game and dinner night but not as often as we would like.  So anytime anyone wants to come and chill and play games with us give us a call or drop us a message. :-)  

Well off to work.

It is amazing what people will write in their journals and on my space when they know the person it is about will probably be reading it. It is odd just how personal people are willing to get on these online things and how closed some people are in real life. I have just been looking around and reading random peoples stuff since i have nothing better to do at home.

A lot of things have changed in my life since I last updated this thing. For starters I have a job that I absolutely love, I work with 2 and 3 year olds who are autistic. Nate insists that my day entails playing with play dough, going on the playground, and nap time. I wish it was that simple. In one week I am taking my exceptional education subject test in hopes that I teach my own class starting in January. There are soo many openings in the field that I am not too worried. The only thing i have to do is score over a 60% on the test. Graduate school is going well even though I am not too thrilled with some of the instructors (well one in particular).If i keep the planned schedule I will finish my MA in Exceptional Ed. with a certificate in Autism Spectrum Disorders in 2 years. The best part is the federal government s paying for it. Of course i have to repay my dues and work with exceptional education kids 2 years for every year that the government pays for. That should not be too hard since that is what i am going to school to do. That is pretty much all the changes that I can think of for right now.

IT has been over a year since I updated this thing. My last entry is about needing graduation tickets so I will begin this entry with news that i will be attending graduate school for special education at UCF in the fall. SO lets see what have i been up to for the last year...

1) workign at Disney doing parades and shit and sweating my ass off except for the few nights of christmas parade where it was freezing. THis took up most of year due to crazy hours and needing to work alot to pay the bills.

2) tryign to keep in touch with old friends from emory... i have succeeded in tallking with Danny, Paige, and Scott which is good

3) trying to figure out a direction for my life. I am still hoping i am choosing one that i will enjoy.

4) trying to make some new friends, which is gogin alright i guess except for the fact that many of them keep changing their plans to not include me so i guess i have only succeded in making like one or two more. PLans were cancelled on me today for the second weekend in a row. :-(

Yup that pretty sums it up. My life in a nutshell. Not too entertaining I am sorry.

I was wondering if anybody had any extra tickets for the graduation at 10 AM on April 30th? I need about 5 or 6 of them. AIM: thalia0221 Thanks a lot.

Bekah

Wow...it has been like forever since I have written in this thing. Things have been kinda crazy lately but at the same time I have been the happiest I have been in a very long time. I thought I had forgotten what it was like to smile and laugh a lot. The only thing bringing me down is my job oh and my roommate. Work absolutely sucks, I am soo going to quit once I have an other job lined up. The psych office sucks too, they will not respond to my emails and due to work and school it is soo hard to stop by there. Grr... My roommate complains about things that I can not possibly be doing since I am not here very often. how can I leave dishes in the sink when I am not here and if I am here I rarely eat here? Who knows??

Anyways I have to get back to working for my presentation for tomorrow. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was alive and doing well!!

Grrrr my computer was in the shop for soo long and then I was packing up the old apartment and I moved into the new one today. My roommate is very cool, which is always a good thing.

Lets see the newest thing in my life : drum role please.....I got a job. I am a waitress at Raptors in Avalon Park.

Well back to unpacking....will update later.

So it seems that I have a lot on my mind....well that is the conclusion since I can not fall asleep at night. It does not matter how tired I am or whatever. The one thing that keeps me up longer is being in my apartment all alone though. It is just more comfortable not sleeping alone, not sure if that is weird or not.

So I find myself trying to figure out what is on my mind I have come up with a short list so far. They include things like what I want to do since I graduate in the spring, where I see myself in about 5 years, what I have to accomplish before I graduate etc... Also it is like trying to figure out my feelings about things like I have figured out them about somethings but then again I am afraid to express those feelings because I so not want to change things...it is not that my feelings opposite of what people think they are it is just that some of them are stronger then I am willing to tell people or that I am willing to tell the person it involves. I just do not want to say something that will make them ackward. If it would just hurt me by saying then whatever but if it is going to make someone else ackward especially someone I really care about then forget about it.

It is just that finally things have begun falling into place in some parts of my life and I do not want to change that but it has also made me rethink sooo much of what I thought I was certain about. I do not know if that makes any sense to anyone I guess it is just something that you have to have experienced to understand completely. Or I could jsut be rambling what is on my mind in a way that only I can possibly get what I am saying. This seems to happen a lot.

I think getting my life in order seems to be what is keeping me up but then again I have no idea as to how to get my life in order. Like there is soo much to figure out, the real world is jsut too scary. I am soo not ready for it. It is like living in this college bubble seems to hide the fact that soon you will not have the safety of the bubble. It is like after graduation the bubble just pops and you are left standing there alone. Well maybe not completely alone but that is just how I am imagining it now.

Grr I dunno....

N-E-ways..scuba class is going well. I have a super early and long weekend ahead of me but then I am all certified. woohoo.

So i actually did make it to the keys....we drove down there with 5 people in a car with me sitting bitch the entire time. We took my uncles avalanche so i guess sitting bitch could have been worse in another car. Overall the trip was all right..i guess. it could have been much more fun but i guess it could have been worse, things can always be worse. It is just like i was the 5th wheel, without anyone (I soo missed my honey the entire time and wished he was there).

Lets see we did a lot of shopping or looking i should say on Duval street, my uncle and his gf went to a drag show (we did not go had to get up early for snorkeling), went snorkeling, ate, and left. That was it then back in the car for the drive. The fire works were not even that great :-(

well it is off to bed more tomorrow...

So it seems that my thoughts have been wandering lately...the newest thing is making a list of the things that I wanted to accomplish while in college and realizing I did not accomplish many of those things and I have only a year left. I wanted to study abroad and accomplish new things. So far there are very few new things that I have experienced and my study abroad trip at Emory got cancelled Most of those few new things that I experienced are not completely new, just a new twist or adding more to the game. Kind of hard to explain that idea completely so take it as you will.

I did however sign up to get scuba certified and bought the gear (costing me about half my bank account) which surprised my mom because I prefer to be on the water whether on a board, skis, boat, etc than in it. I have been on uncertified dives and done snuba and I enjoyed that more than snorkeling so we will see. So basically after two weekends of training class I will be certified starting on the 12th of July. Woohoo.

This weekend my parents, my uncle and his girlfriend (I guess you would call her that, they live together in a motor home and do traveling OR tech and OR nurse jobs respectively) and myself are going to the keys. We were supposed to go by that speedboat from fort meyors but what ordeal that was. The first boat broke down then we found another and it broke down too. So I guess we are driving. we are leaving before the sun comes up on Friday and returning way after the sun goes down on sat. It will be a short little trip hopefully filled with excitement. My uncle is crazy and I am 21. Should be an interesting combination. Plus my parents seem to be amused that I can now order drinks at restaurants legally.

Well janelle has this crazy notion that she can drag me out of bed to rollerblade with her at 8 in the morning tomorrow so I must prepare for the wakeup call. I told her I was not making any promises but she may just come banging on my apartment door till I wake up. Hopefully this will not be the case.

Seems that my mind has decided that it needs to do a lot of thinking about random things. Not that I think thinking is a bad thing but sometimes I have a habit to do too much of it. Sometimes so much that it keeps me up at night.

First of all I have absolutely no idea where I see myself in a few years. In a year I will have made a huge decision that will affect my life greatly. This really scares me on many levels. There are so many things that will affect my decision and I hope that by following my heart that I will the right decision. That is all one can hope for I guess.

Along those lines my thoughts on a career have completely turned around 180 degrees. It is weird that they have changed but I have come up with an explanation for that. I just think that I have thinking more and more about what kind of lifestyle I want to be and what kind of mom I want to be (well not for a long time though) and I think that those things are very important to me so that is a huge reason for the career idea change.

Then there is the whole thing of having like nothing to do now. I get soo bored just sitting around. Yeah I have my 1 class, the gym, some friends who are still here, and a fabulous boyfriend who works way too much, but I still need something to do. Searching for a job has not gone well, so I dunno what options I have left. I am trying to look into some volunteer options but I could use some extra cash as well.

grr...guess that is enough rambling for now...

it is weird sometimes to just sit back and look at where your life is at this instance...like for example looking at the relationship you are in, your life plans, etc. Do not get me wrong I am very happy with the relationship I am, it is just interesting to actually think about your feelings it really made me realize just how much I care about him etc. As for my life plans, eh that is a different story. I have absolutely no idea about that. I have a few thoughts: child life, developmental neuroscience, social work .... not really sure which interests me the most.

Well off to the gym to swim some laps and whatnot.

So today driving home i listened to a special cd i got for V-day and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and put me in a better mood. I was in a horrible mood driving back from orlando today and the cd was the perfect medicine. i wish I was able to sleep in his arms tonight though, I could use a hug.

I have to bring my car in super early tomorrow to get some part installed then get the oil changed. Such a fun day then I have to go this going away party tomorrow night, for sme reason i have to go even though i have never met the person leaving. shouold prove to be boring i am sure, at least maybe i will get some free drinks out of it. :-P

Well i am off to try to fall asleep.

This seems to be a trend especially when sleeping alone. I will be soo sleepy and then lay down to go to bed and I am wide awake. I will even try all those remedies that people have told me (ie., counting sheep, playing classical music, etc) but still I lie there wide awake.

Also today while really bored and I was watching boy meets world. It is odd how much I could relate to the issue of the show that was on tonight. It kind of mimics what happened in high school with me breaking someones heart because I got scared but rather than working things out in like 30 min it took like 3 years. I can be soo emotional at times I sat there in tears watching the show.

On that note it is soo weird how happy I have been lately despite the fact that I am bored out of my mind. Due some stupid errors I am now only taking one class during summer B, Advanced Research Methods (for BS in psych) form 10- 11:15 and since there is barely any outside work needed for the class as of now at least I am pretty much free like all day. I need to get off my butt and try harder to find a job but I am soo tired of looking and not finding one.

My apartment is soo quiet and empty, the other two girls who live here both had other plans over the summer. One was a bitch (oops pardon the language) and left a bunch of HER dirty dishes and pans all over the kitchen just cause she did not feel like emptying the dishwasher. At least now I have full access to the washing machine which is capitalized by that same roommate, Esther and I swear she must wash all of her clothes 3 times before wearing them again. Oh well.

Well I am off to lie awake for at least an other 1.5 hours before falling asleep I am sure. Night everyone or good morning depending on sleep schedule.

hehe today I went to yoga for the very first time ever. It was relaxing and all but I dunno if it is my cup of tea. But I promised Janelle I would go with her on wednesdays. At least I will gain flexibility. :-P

On that note..nate came back last night. It was so nice to just lay in bed with him and snuggle and whatnot. I really did miss him a whole bunch. he has lots of pictures from him trip that I have yet to see, he said about 300. I can't wait to see them all and hear even more about his trip.

Well summer B is off to a rocky start. All my classes were dropped so I had to deal with that. But my Advanced Research Methods teacher is amusing, which is always a good thing. Then I have comp II online, which I am not soo sure that I am going to like. The whole online thing scares me a bit.

Well that is pretty much what is up. if I think of anything else I will update later.

lets see today was a day of procrastination....I was SUPPOSED to study for my final tomorrow but I have yet to do that. I did paraffin my feet though. Hehe now they are nice and smooth. Last night's estrogen fest was cool and very much needed. I had a few girls over and we did facials, nails, started melting the paraffin, and drank a little. We sat around and just chilled and chatted about things. Definitely a good evening.

So lets see today is Sunday that means only 2 more nights left....woohoo I am so excited! On that note I must quite thinking about that and get started on my studying for my American history I final tomorrow.

Lets see we had a full schedule while she was here for almost 2 days. Let see Thursday we went to Mall of Millennia then to EPCOT where we preceded to stuff ourselves with food from around the world. Then we went to the Premium Outlet malls then we saw Finding Nemo, which is such a cute little movie. And that was just Thursday. On Friday (well today), we woke up early and went to Blizzard Beach, Waterford, and FL mall in that order. Whew it was a blast but quite exhausting.

More exciting news: only 4 nights including tonight and 4 days till I can hold my honey in my arms again. :-) Woohoo!!!

I have been bouncing around the apartment for like 1.5 hours when I should be calmly sitting and finish my last essay of Summer A. This burst of energy came out of nowhere. I was just sitting her trying to type my paper and all of a sudden I was bouncing off walls. so I decided to try to sit still to write in here.

I am soo excited only 5 more nights of not having someone to cuddle with and kiss goodnight. It will make three weeks that my honey has been gone. I have missed him like crazy. I just can not wait to hold in my arms when he gets back. Maybe this excitement is what is me so damn hyper.

Tomorrow my lil sis is coming to visit me over night since she is leaving next week for Spain. she will have a blast I am sure but I will miss her. I think we are going to head to a water park or something. whatever we decide to do will be fun though.

I need a job or an internship or something to do besides school. I need to figure out what I want to do when I graduate in a year since I have decided that I am not ready for med school and I am not even sure my heart is in it. Since I graduate in a year with a BS in psychology I need to get some experience doing something in the field. I am thinking of being a child life specialist at least for now. But my parents do not think it will be challenging enough to keep my interest. All I Know is I want to work with children in need and I know I do not want to be a clinical psychologist. I have always been interested in and fascinated by autism and other developmental disorders so maybe developmental neuroscience or something. Gosh I am soo confused.

Before I was stressed with deciding whether I really wanted to be a pediatrician of some kind and then discussing that with my parents, which went well despite what I thought, but now I am stressed because I have no idea what I want to do. THe real world is getting closer and closer which means I will have to leave this bubble world or college that I have grown so accustomed too. This scares me a bit.

Alrighty I need to try to get this paper done which so far is pretty bad in my opinion. I have about another page to go. then off to attempt to fall asleep bring me one day closer till my honey will be in my arms. :-) Yay!